The Mountain by Meghashri Dalvi
Posted: October 19, 2007, 06:13:18 PM
It feels a little strange to critique someone who appears to have had more success than most of us, but I've seen Ms. Dalvi online a lot. I know what it's like to crave feedback--any feedback.
I felt the writing was done with professionalism. It was easy to understand, and I never caught myself stumbling over any word choices or horrendous grammar issues.
Myself, I prefer strong world-building. I like concrete settings with interesting details worked in. I like descriptive phrases staggered throughout dialog and exposition. I like to see all the sensed engaged. I like to feel like these are real places I'm reading about.
In those terms, this one came up a little short for me. None of the settings felt real. He crossed vast, flat terrain marked only with occasional shrubs. But was it prairie grassland, desert/scrub, or something else? The village near the mountain I got no sense of. Where were all the animals that produced the milk and curds? What did the villagers work at, that kept them away all day, but was close enough they could commute home at night? What aromatic herbs did he smell in the house?
On character, I like people who act like real people, or at least, in believable ways. I like characters to show who they are by how they act. I also look for characters to grow and change over the course of a story. In these respects, I thought all of the "natives" acted believably. Prama was the soul who had to go climb a mountain, but wouldn't give up on his loyalties to the people back home. Real people act like that, and I liked that.
I had a much harder time believing in the "overseers". They lacked motivation, and seemed wooden to me. Also, unless they changed often or these people had a very short lifespan, this would be one darn boring job. Scientific curiosity can only go so far.
On plot, I have to check for a "gut feeling" on whether or not a story rings true to me. Prama seeking something out... that I have no problem with. The guys in the pyramid bothered me, as I mentioned above. Honestly, what I didn't like most about the plot was the lack of conflict. Prama never struggles (at least, not much) with whether to stay or go, whether or not to climb the mountain, or doubts himself in any way. Since no one else tries to stop him, not even the elements, the conflict had to be within the main character. Yet he goes on, never giving his doubts more than a sentence or two. Overcoming some kind of conflict is what makes a story strong, in my opinion, so this came off as weak to me.
On dialog, I like different characters to sound different. I prefer it when I can almost tell by just the words used who is talking, as if the identifying tags weren't there (but the tags should be there anyway). Prama says he had trouble understanding the younger workers, but then why did all of the older ones sound the same as him? Weren't they all from different parts of the world?
To summarize, I thought this was an ok story, but one that lacked a strong conflict & resolution that would have made it better. Setting could have been more concrete. Some of the characterization was good, but I didn't care for the scientists or whomever they were at the end.
Nate
I felt the writing was done with professionalism. It was easy to understand, and I never caught myself stumbling over any word choices or horrendous grammar issues.
Myself, I prefer strong world-building. I like concrete settings with interesting details worked in. I like descriptive phrases staggered throughout dialog and exposition. I like to see all the sensed engaged. I like to feel like these are real places I'm reading about.
In those terms, this one came up a little short for me. None of the settings felt real. He crossed vast, flat terrain marked only with occasional shrubs. But was it prairie grassland, desert/scrub, or something else? The village near the mountain I got no sense of. Where were all the animals that produced the milk and curds? What did the villagers work at, that kept them away all day, but was close enough they could commute home at night? What aromatic herbs did he smell in the house?
On character, I like people who act like real people, or at least, in believable ways. I like characters to show who they are by how they act. I also look for characters to grow and change over the course of a story. In these respects, I thought all of the "natives" acted believably. Prama was the soul who had to go climb a mountain, but wouldn't give up on his loyalties to the people back home. Real people act like that, and I liked that.
I had a much harder time believing in the "overseers". They lacked motivation, and seemed wooden to me. Also, unless they changed often or these people had a very short lifespan, this would be one darn boring job. Scientific curiosity can only go so far.
On plot, I have to check for a "gut feeling" on whether or not a story rings true to me. Prama seeking something out... that I have no problem with. The guys in the pyramid bothered me, as I mentioned above. Honestly, what I didn't like most about the plot was the lack of conflict. Prama never struggles (at least, not much) with whether to stay or go, whether or not to climb the mountain, or doubts himself in any way. Since no one else tries to stop him, not even the elements, the conflict had to be within the main character. Yet he goes on, never giving his doubts more than a sentence or two. Overcoming some kind of conflict is what makes a story strong, in my opinion, so this came off as weak to me.
On dialog, I like different characters to sound different. I prefer it when I can almost tell by just the words used who is talking, as if the identifying tags weren't there (but the tags should be there anyway). Prama says he had trouble understanding the younger workers, but then why did all of the older ones sound the same as him? Weren't they all from different parts of the world?
To summarize, I thought this was an ok story, but one that lacked a strong conflict & resolution that would have made it better. Setting could have been more concrete. Some of the characterization was good, but I didn't care for the scientists or whomever they were at the end.
Nate