Aphelion

This one's not too bad, but it has problems. I liked the characterization, and the dialog was very well done. The author screwed up big-time, though, with

Blank, sightless eyes stared without seeing at the vaulted ceiling.

"Sightless eyes stared without seeing" -- ??!! Aw, come ON!

You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Hyatt.

Otherwise, the presaging was too heavy-handed. I could tell with pretty high certainty what was likely to happen at the end. Also, I think it would have been better to have given the physical description of Taragon earlier in the story.

You also have a plot hole. Taragon is, I presume, filthy rich to begin with, and about to get more so. Which makes me wonder, why is she trying to save money by stiffing the assassin, especially when she should know how dangerous that can be? A couple thou here or there should be relatively meaningless to her. And, you have the assassin throwing away the hundred, which makes no sense either.

Lester Curtis wrote:This one's not too bad, but it has problems. I liked the characterization, and the dialog was very well done. The author screwed up big-time, though, with

Blank, sightless eyes stared without seeing at the vaulted ceiling.

"Sightless eyes stared without seeing" -- ??!! Aw, come ON!

You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Hyatt.

Otherwise, the presaging was too heavy-handed. I could tell with pretty high certainty what was likely to happen at the end. Also, I think it would have been better to have given the physical description of Taragon earlier in the story.

You also have a plot hole. Taragon is, I presume, filthy rich to begin with, and about to get more so. Which makes me wonder, why is she trying to save money by stiffing the assassin, especially when she should know how dangerous that can be? A couple thou here or there should be relatively meaningless to her. And, you have the assassin throwing away the hundred, which makes no sense either.

You're assuming that (a) Falle does what she does for the money, and (b) that rich people aren't cheap bastards (or bastardettes -- let's leave Lassie out of this) who frequently think that they are immune to consequences. Taragon, upset about being named after an herb, tries to treat all people (even those she should fear) with contempt.

You're assuming that (a) Falle does what she does for the money, and (b) that rich people aren't cheap bastards (or bastardettes -- let's leave Lassie out of this) who frequently think that they are immune to consequences. Taragon, upset about being named after an herb, tries to treat all people (even those she should fear) with contempt.

Yeah, it's true about most rich people -- my ex used to be a waitress, and she said the lousiest tippers were always the ones with the most money. Stiffing others is one of the ways they get rich in the first place.

Good point about Falle -- I hadn't considered that possibility.