Previously Loved by Anthony R. Pezzula
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- Lester Curtis
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Re: Previously Loved by Anthony R. Pezzula
Have you ever bought a used car only to discover that SOMETHING in it is making a funny noise? Or maybe the noise isn't "funny" at all...
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London (1876-1916)
Jack London (1876-1916)
- Lester Curtis
- Long Fiction Editor
- Posts: 2736
- Joined: January 11, 2010, 12:03:56 AM
- Location: by the time you read this, I'll be somewhere else
Re: Previously Loved by Anthony R. Pezzula
Well, think about it: How likely was it that the guy would stop and look in the trunk because of a weirdly-behaving radio? But I agree with you about him noticing the earrings on Corpsey-Woman.Verse wrote:I don't think that last paragraph is needed, in my opinion. If 'Liz Taylor Girl' could communicate through the the radio the whole time why did she need the drama of ghostly thumping in the trunk and the time-delay corpse scene. I'm pretty sure that if I saw a woman decaying in the trunk of a car, in front of my eyes, her earings would be the last thing I noticed.
The part that I don't think is needed is the scene at the traffic light. Why was she there, wandering around randomly? If she'd wanted to haunt the car, she should have stayed with it. That might have provided some other material for the story, such as why Mulrooney was selling it at a really low price and seemed strangely nervous being in it, or some such.
One very annoying example of a missing comma:
It should follow 'cops,' of course.Phil kept his eyes open for any cops figuring this might be an opportunity to check out the Mustang's power,
Not bad, otherwise; it held my interest.
I was raised by humans. What's your excuse?