Aphelion

The strength of this story is its ending, which reveals a time-travel paradox standing unsolved, and it took me a minute or so after I finished reading for that to sink in. So, in a way, this is one of the better time-travel stories I've seen. The plot seems to be very precisely constructed.

The story has major weaknesses, though. Setting details are very thin, and the main character comes across as very distant and impersonal in spite of the first-person POV. All of the characters are pretty flat. Also, I think the overall tone is closer to college history lecture than entertainment. The only solution I can think of would be to stretch the story out to novelette length or better and fill that extra space with human relationships. Doing so would balance the historic detail, and would give the reader a reason to feel something for the characters.

Give this piece a good dose of humanity, make the characters real, and it would be quite good. I've read a few well-written historical novels, and they all left a deep impression on me. This could be that good, too. The concept is strong, but it takes good characters to carry the story.

Here are a few places to find good tips on characterization:

http://www.livewritethrive.com/?s=character

http://www.writingeekery.com

http://writershelpingwriters.net/?s=character

Hope this helps.