Aphelion

Ok.<br><br>Stylistically, the story started well, but once the dialogue between the two started, the description stopped. It's generally better to vary sentence structure, and not use a lot of one-sentence paragraphs in a row. Shortening paragraphs in certain areas to help build the action & the tension is good. Just leaving them so short is generally not. <br><br>In terms of setting, ideally, one looks for interesting bits worked into the story, set dressing that "comes alive" with details. It's good to work descriptive phrases in throughout the exposition, narrative, and dialogue, using all five of the senses. The dust can leave a bitter, acrid taste in Eos' mouth as he lays on the floor of the cave. The cold sunshine can bathe both figures in an eerie, harsh light, accentuating the sharpness of their faces, the darkness of their expressions. Also, it's usually not a good idea to bring the story to a halt and give an infodump about the how world works, or how things came to be. If those details are important, dole them out to readers in little bits as the story goes along, but only as they're needed.<br><br>In character development, I myself want the players to seem like real people; they should act in believable ways. After dropping a boulder on Eos' head, why on earth didn't Aidaam try to finish him off, try get away, or at least try to resist further? His character's goal was to escape. Seeing his opponent prone on the dirt below him, Aidaam just waits to be captured & taken back. That was not believable to me. Eos himself took being brained with a big rock remarkably well. He never even put handcuffs on Aidaam. :o<br><br>In my gut, this didn't feel like a believable plot. I want a story that unfolds in a way that makes sense to me--even if I don't like the way it turns out. As long as the ending is logical to the rules of the story's universe, that's ok. In a nutshell, this story seemed to be about a bounty hunter catching his prey & talking a lot. I think a story needs to be fully formed... establish the characters and plot line, complicate the action, build the tension or comedy, and then resolve the conflict. I didn't get that out of this. To me, this was the start of all those things, and then the story just... stopped. No resolution, no falling action... It was as if this was a part of a much larger piece of fiction that we didn't get to see.<br><br>Nate

It seems to me that there is a marked difference between being a good reader and a good writer.

<br>Don't be so hard on yourself.<br><br>First, I don't believe one can become a good writer without first being a good reader. You have to know what is out there, to know how to fit your idea into the market, and to know the conventions of storytelling.<br><br>Second, take all criticism with a grain of salt. One opinion is just that--one opinion. Just because I say something, does not make it so. My view on what makes a good story won't be exactly the same as the next person. <br><br>Third, writing a good story is not easy. Don't expect to get it all right the first time out, or every time, either. Everything takes practice. Don't worry if you can't find a way to make it perfect. Do the best you're capable of, and then let other writers help you.<br><br>Aphelion exists to give writers exposure and to help them perfect their craft. That's why we're all here--from you, to me, to editors themselves. We all want to write better. I think I'm safe in saying that there isn't a writer here who wouldn't love to crack into the Big 3 (Analog, Asimov, and F&SF). In learning how to do that ourselves, we write stories, put them up here, and learn from each other's comments. <br><br>Finally, don't stop writing. There is no easy way to take criticism. It hurts. After it stops stinging quite so much, look at it and see if you can find something in the criticism that you can use to make your next piece of writing better--but don't stop trying.<br><br>Nate