Aphelion

I truly enjoyed this story. I loved the concept of the blue sages and different levels of women who were slaves and yet held all knowledge, even when it came to war. The men, both the good and the bad, thought they held all the power, but they were powerless without women. Perhaps I'm biased, being a woman myself, but that was satisfying in itself ;-)<br><br>The mix of old knowledge and new made this story stand out. I've seen coutless movies using airships in battle, but usually the enemies are badly matched against zepplins. It's not believable, to me at least, that zepplins could fight against airplanes, but the medusas in this story were perfectly matched to the zepplins. And that made the action scenes incredible. I could picture it all in my mind as it happened. Using the medusas to crush the airships was great and more than just a little frightening. <br><br>David Jones (is this the Monkee? that would be so awesome) created vivid scenes, characters, and dialogue in this story. It should be published in a paying magazine. I'd buy it. <br><br>My only quibble is that I would like to know more about the background. The Doyen is a great character, a religious leader that has his flaws and myriad doubts, but I want more. I'd be interested in reading about how his wife was stolen. Also, the Ogema was bad, but only in passing. We heard a bit about how he abused the women and kept slaves (didn't everyone?) and filled the temple with pornography, but he wasn't exactly evil. I would have liked to see more of his character.<br><br>Overall, I think my qualms amount to this: MAKE THIS A NOVEL!! I want all the details I guess you couldn't put in a novella. It's a good short story, but it seems like there is so much more bubbling under the surface of this one.

I think it's strange how, in today's society, people are so offended by religion, even when it is basically innocuous. If the religion had been druidism or some made up sect that worshipped a giant creator rat, would you have felt the same? Many people sneer when they pick up a story about wizards, unicorns or flying saucers. To each his own.

<br>I think a part of this may be the source of power. Tapping into a supernatural being's power is all well and good, but only if there are limits. If Doyen is using the conventionally known "Almighty", then there's nothing that particular version of God can't do. I doubt if there was anything in Druidism or Giant Rat worship that could call forth a horde of mountain-sized medusas at the wave of a hand. The power revealed is so strong, that at least in this case, didn't require that Doyen or his army even be there. God could smite them from above, without any of the rest of this story needing to take place. Or more surgically, Almighty God could have had all the bad men drop dead of instant heart attacks. End of story.<br><br>Now, if you're using the power of the Big Rat, there are just some things you can't do, and you have some reasons to need humans to help the righteous win out against Those Without Tails if you're ever going to see the nirvana that is the Great Sewer Party at the End of the World. :)<br><br>I would have liked more description. (Coming from me, that should be no surprise.) These airships, I had trouble picturing them. Were they just nets holding in sacs with gondolas underneath? How were they armed? How does one engage in air-to-air combat wih zeppelins? I caught that that some of them had their sacs punctured, but wouldn't airships be of such prized value that they wouldn't be destroyed unless they had to be, much like sailing ships in the pirate era? I pictured a lot of grappling hooks and boarding parties. Otherwise, flaming arrows may have made the best weapon instead of cannon balls.<br><br>I understood medusas were like jellyfish in the air, but what color was a medusa? The skin was nearly translucent, but when punctured, green blood and bile ran down its sides. If the skin was see-through, wouldn't it all have been green, then?<br><br>There seemed to be a formatting error:<br><br>"And worth more gems than you can imagine," said Rose, still gazing at the ships overhead. She looked so sad, so forlorn in that moment<br>[part missing]<br>I'm your daughter, thought Luce. If only she could say the words. If only she could be certain of Rose's loyalties."<br><br>--What was left off?<br><br>I was confused by the number of Doyen's ships. When they down the Medusa, they say it will make 2 ships, and they only need 40 more. But there are only 4 in the Black Berth. Was his fleet 4 or 40 ships?<br><br>I think I needed to see more about Doyen's past. The story is quite a ways into it before I really got behind him and started sympathizing with his character. Perhaps if we knew how he had grown up to this point, how he had gone from herding sheep to attacking caravans, to becoming a prophet chosen by God to lead an army. That's quite a trip, and I was sorry I missed it.<br><br>I didn't see the need for the character of Luce. She didn't contribute anything special that couldn't have been done by others. Doyen could have seen his wife dragged down with his own eyes just as well as those of his daughter.<br><br>I had trouble putting my finger exactly on what point the climax was. Was it when Doyen ordered the medusas to attack the second time? That was the only "choice" scene that I saw where different outcomes could have happened based on someone's actions. But in terms of drama, Rose being dragged down with her captor is more dramatic. This confusion, I felt, kept the plot resolution fuzzy and undefined. <br><br>Once upon a time, a pro author scolded me: "When maintaining a narrative voice, it is jarring to the reader to sandwich lines in 'high,' or formal diction in an otherwise plainspoken narrative." She was right. Diaphanous, nematocysts, unctuous, bole, & erudite coterie sent me scrambling for my dictionary, and didn't fit the rest of the vocabulary. What's more, it's hard to keep readers in the narrative flow with their noses in a dictionary. That author called these "precious darlings" and recommended that they be the first things cut, and I now pass the same advice to you.<br><br>On the positive side, David's "got game", as it were. A wonderful notion, and an interesting, diverse universe on a scale that I just don't get to see enough. There are great character choices. Showing the worry inside a Prophet--genious. I loved that. <br><br>However, I felt the plot just didn't measure up to the rest of this glorious world. It was unfocused, and resolved with divine intervention instead of good, human drama.<br><br>Nate