Short Story: Illegal Aliens by Michael J. Edwards
Posted: January 06, 2016, 09:50:33 AM
Nice intro, gets one’s interest. Real life situation with a government job and concerns about retirement!
Nice use of dialogue and narration. I see no major problem with this story, only different techniques that other writers might use, for example: the paragraph-----
A spaceship. Joe's mental gears ground to a halt while he tried to absorb that--tried and failed. He couldn't get his mind wrapped around it; it kept slipping out and slithering away from him. There was some rustling on the other end, and Joe was vaguely aware that Coleman was saying something.
could be shown-----
Joe looked into the phone’s receiver! His eyebrows contorted themselves, his eyes grew larger and large and his hair, always well groomed, started to stand up a little. He slowly kept moving the phone away, but kept both eyes locked onto it---- waiting for a sensible response to his question leave the receiver. None came!
Of course this isn’t set in stone and this is my opinion only. Critiques are often other ways to tell the story which are not better or worse, only different.
Good story, one that held my interest from beginning to end, and it was entertaining. That’s all we really need in a story, isn’t it?
Nice use of dialogue and narration. I see no major problem with this story, only different techniques that other writers might use, for example: the paragraph-----
A spaceship. Joe's mental gears ground to a halt while he tried to absorb that--tried and failed. He couldn't get his mind wrapped around it; it kept slipping out and slithering away from him. There was some rustling on the other end, and Joe was vaguely aware that Coleman was saying something.
could be shown-----
Joe looked into the phone’s receiver! His eyebrows contorted themselves, his eyes grew larger and large and his hair, always well groomed, started to stand up a little. He slowly kept moving the phone away, but kept both eyes locked onto it---- waiting for a sensible response to his question leave the receiver. None came!
Of course this isn’t set in stone and this is my opinion only. Critiques are often other ways to tell the story which are not better or worse, only different.
Good story, one that held my interest from beginning to end, and it was entertaining. That’s all we really need in a story, isn’t it?