Aphelion

This story made my brain itch for a while, early on. There are all these runners being housed, fed, trained and equipped for a supposedly illegal activity that takes place while nobody is watching. How? Why? It disturbed my sense of logic.

Then one of them gets accidentally diverted from his course and discovers a talent he didn't know he had and had never been trained for. That aspect of the story still bothers me. The coincidence of him meeting someone he can develop a relationship with is coincidence as well, but not as much of a stretch as the hidden-talents one. I think his hidden talent needs explained.

The truth about the races is finally revealed, along with an unexpected plot twist at the end, which I won't spoil. As end-of-story plot twists go, this one was actually pretty good. The whole thing manages to fit together, but I think a little more work would help. My brain is still itching over the economics of the scenario; explaining that would help.

Also, the POV shifts are a little confusing; I didn't know until the end who the narrator was, and it would help i that were made clear at the beginning.

Hope this helps,

LC

Interesting intro. Running at night and it’s illegal? Nice start to a story.

And we have a conflict: Chris crashing into an apartment though a window, and that’s were the story really begins. The race is an illegal-community activity but the runners are housed and fed! And the race lets you explore your true wants and desires under the watchful eye of the racesmaster.

This story is hard to follow at times, and as with some of it I’m not sure about the main character.

The philosophical theme of this story points toward reaching a goal, and when attempting to reach that goal, another goal becomes important. When striving for a goal we are sometimes blind, and don’t notice the things we pass.

I think the writer is trying too hard, and in an attempt to present some ideas that border on literature, the writer has caused confusion.

On the positive side, the characters were very believable and the writing good, I thought. The author, Benjamin Sonnek, has talent, and that talent is evident in this story.

Read ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ by Richard Connell. It's a story that demonstrates how a writer can capture the reader's attention and keep it.