Neil’s Touchstone by C.E. Gee
Posted: September 05, 2017, 02:39:49 PM
Like the story from beginning to end. The beginning grabbed my interest by using ‘John Day’ as a town name. I like that. From the beginning to the end the narration held my interest.
We had a balance between show and tell, and a nice dialogue between all characters in the story. A believable dialogue that worked.
Only one point should have been developed a little better. If Neil were weak from living on Mars and had to rest while climbing, how did he manage to get the strength to dig up a body with an entrenching tool, and carry the body back down to his car? Remember it was a hike and not a walk along a paved road or sidewalk.
It’s hard to dig with an entrenching tool. I’ve used them in ‘Nam, and the story suggests that the entrenching tool was the old hand powered type. If the story showed how Neil had to rest a little and take his time, a sense of realism would have found the reader’s eyes.
Other than a moot point like the one I suggested, the story was good!!
Nice Job!!
We had a balance between show and tell, and a nice dialogue between all characters in the story. A believable dialogue that worked.
Only one point should have been developed a little better. If Neil were weak from living on Mars and had to rest while climbing, how did he manage to get the strength to dig up a body with an entrenching tool, and carry the body back down to his car? Remember it was a hike and not a walk along a paved road or sidewalk.
It’s hard to dig with an entrenching tool. I’ve used them in ‘Nam, and the story suggests that the entrenching tool was the old hand powered type. If the story showed how Neil had to rest a little and take his time, a sense of realism would have found the reader’s eyes.
Other than a moot point like the one I suggested, the story was good!!
Nice Job!!