The man with two minds

[starman]

A nice pyschological twist, a fresh angle ( at least for me) on a sci fi premise I've seen before. Donald created a convincing reality in this one, and by that I mean I stopped reading with a critical eye at some point and just let the story carry me on, but from a craft standpoint, he only lost me once and only momentarily.<br>There were a few points in TMWTMs when exposition shattered the make believe world created, but I don't write science fiction and would imagine exposition is extremely difficult albiet necessary to the genre. <br> In other genres you can create worlds with no real need to explain yourself as a writer, but science fiction readers demand all the loose ends be tied up, I think.<br> Still, I really enjoyed the story and would love to be corrected if my premise about sci fi is wrong.<br> Rob <br>

[kailhofer]

Hmm... Another one wherein a human gifted with knowledge beyond the rest of us stops an invasion from outer space by trickery.<br><br>Was this another of your recycled works, like the Zenin & Ryls, or brand new?<br><br><br>Overall, I'm afraid to say that I thought this one wasn't as good as it could have been. Mostly, I thought it lacked emotional tie-ins for the readers and suffered from over-narration. <br><br><br>Initially, I thought the idea of experiencing our world from the eyes of an alien was a tremendous idea. What would a six-foot insect think about our factories, or a lunch counter, or wet, sloppy kisses with your sweetheart? How would our values rate on an outsiders scale? Would an hour in front of an infomercial or soap opera be grounds for immediate invasion? If he saw everything as ugly, he had to notice details--but what were they? He never said much about anything he experienced. What about humans was so ugly to him? Our pink skin? Length of our noses? Our smelly feet?<br><br>The "hero" or the tale was essentially the villain when it started. Rule #1 about characterization is to make your main character an engaging figure. Hyamul is neither engaging nor likely to create sympathy in the reader. After all, he's out to study humans so we can be invaded. Since the vast majority of the audience for the story is human (I hope), they would logically dislike the character. I know I did. <br><br>Still, starting with a villain is ok, if you can be drawn to him, either by wit or some other traits. Hyamul hides, is anti-social, and doesn't really do much. As such, the story distanced itself from any emotional attachment I could have had for it. Hyamul's loss of his own body could have been a great draw--he can't go home again--but he neither dwells on it for long or does anything to try to rectify the situation.<br><br>And then he just changes into a human. It only takes 9 sentences. Imagine the struggle to maintain control of your mind, the horror of losing yourself to that which you revile! But instead, Hyamul just becomes Jake like a light dimming. <br><br>Jake, now, garners some sympathy. He's got an alien in his head, knows the world's going to be invaded, and doesn't know how to stop it. He's going to go on the run with his amazingly rational girlfriend, and finally, I thought the story was really going to get going. They throw their gear in the car, start off, talk for a while, then drive back, and leave a threatening note.<br><br>End of invasion. <br><br>At this point, suspension of disbelief fails, at least for me, terminally. What a world it would be if it were true: A world full of clever thinkers and hopeful dreams. Alas, the purity of real life is considerably more murky and unhappy.<br><br>This technique also fails to build much tension. There is little or no rising action, and I felt no fear because no potential harm had been demonstrated. The aliens are out there, somewhere, with some kind of weapons, that could do some kind of harm to somebody... probably in the big cities first. This is too nebulous, and didn't draw me in. Plus, the only real complicating actions are that the ship is coming, and Jake took over his own body.<br><br>I found the dialogue of the aliens "a trifle remiss." Not because it was impossible that aliens could use such words, but because it sounded entirely familiar. It sound exactly like good, kind-hearted Donald Sullivan talking, and not an alien bent on the conquest of the earth.<br><br>Jake was supposed to have a Southern accent, but his psyche re-emerged, he didn't speak that way.<br><br>Others have mentioned the exposition, so I don't think I need to dwell on the amount of narration.<br><br><br>All in all, I say this was a story with promise, but one which never lived up to expectations.<br><br>Nate

[kailhofer]

But I couldn’t let the remark about Jake’s southern accent pass--with or without salt! I was born and raised a southerner, and we (most of us, anyway) don’t go around talking like the Beverly Hillbillies. Remember, Jake is an electrical engineer, and probably wouldn’t sound like Jethro Bodine.

Jake did use a few southern expressions, and I’m a little surprised that you, Nate--who are usually pretty sharp--didn’t catch that.

<br><br>I don't know about "Sharp." I'm sure a few folks around here would insist otherwise. <br><br>I caught the "cotton pickin' nut." Other than that, I missed them.<br><br>I only brought it up because Tina talks about him losing his southern accent. If it was absent before, I expected there to be a more noticible change as the story progressed. It she hadn't mentioned it, I might not have noticed his speech patterns at all.<br><br>Nate

[Robert_Moriyama]

Thanks, Lee. Glad ya liked it. Actually, I thought about Jake and Tina going on to Montana and starting a resistance, but I opted for the turn around. In retrospect, the resistance seems like the best choice. Maybe if I rewrite it into a novel. I'll go that route.
Donald

<br><br>Yeah, but then you'd have 'V - The Series', except with bad guys that you could kill with a Supersoaker filled with diluted Windex with Ammonia D. (I've always wondered why vampire fighters never use high-tech water guns filled with holy water -- except in 'From Dusk Til Dawn' ...)<br><br>Robert M.

[Robert_Moriyama]

what's wrong with bringing V back only setting it down outside Missoula? Can be a good thing, if ya ask me.
is the story a precursor for some bigger project btw?

ve vill get zem schtinkin bugs...heh heh. that's how my dad talks when he gets real pissed off.

Lee

<br>And I suppose if he's fixing a broken wind-up clock (that only goes 'tick ... grindwhimper ... tick ... grindwhimper ... tick ...'), he says, "Ve haff vays of making you tock!"<br><br>Robert M.<br><br>(Hmm. I think this topic is starting to mutate. Time for 40 days and 40 nights of, er, Lost in Space reruns to sterilize the site so we can start over. (Rain has been done. Ditto all them Egyptian plagues.))

[Robert_Moriyama]

Vot means dis "V- The Series" shtuff? 'Fraid I don't get it...

Donald

<br><br>Late 70's or early 80's -- miniseries starring Marc Singer, Faye Grant, et alia. Human-looking aliens arrive, apparently to offer friendship and technical assistance, but THEY'RE REALLY LIZARDS WEARING MASKS who are there to steal Earth's water and maybe even take people as a food source. A second miniseries (V - The Final Battle(?)) followed, and eventually a TV series (V - The Series). Try IMDB.com or just Google it ...<br><br>Robert M.

[Robert_Moriyama]

The original miniseries was just called 'V' (the aliens were dubbed 'The Visitors'). I'm pretty sure the miniseries is or was available on DVD and/or VHS -- if you're really interested you could probably get them used from Amazon.com or eBay.com.<br><br>Robert M.

[Megawatts]

Nice story and I enjoyed it. That's what a story is all<br><br>about: the reader enjoying it! This story exists for itself <br><br>-----and this one stands solid!!<br>