Aphelion

I enjoy all of David Allen’s stories, and this one was no exception. His writing skills coupled with an interesting theme produced a story that encompasses all the techniques needed for good story telling.

The tech talk in the story just enough without over doing it, and the prison environment believable.

The only issue I have is Attorney Mark Jessop. Too stereotype. But that is a very moot point.

One can learn better writing skills by reading David's stories!!


Nice Job!!!






Great Job!!!!!

Cute idea. Did it know The Chicken Heart That Ate New York City? :)


I'll suspend disbelief on the mechanics of a thinking heart that exchanges thoughts with the main brain, but I'm just blown away by the sterilized cruelty in this world you've made here, Dave.

His first SCAM score was 65, below the minimum 70 for cognizance. That would have meant when he did his crime, he was so stupid he didn't know any better. He couldn't understand what he was going to do was wrong. Then, they raise his IQ to the point where he now knows he shouldn't have and how wrong it was, but then they terminate him anyway. He gets to know guilt and understand hopelessness in that no matter what he might make of himself now that he's smarter, he's still going to die for something he did when he couldn't know any better. There's no point in trying to be a better person. He's still going to die. Talk about a sense of emptiness!

I mean, I'm all for punishing evildoers, don't get me wrong, but this place is cruel. Wow.

Nate

Of course, in Texas under Dubya and his successors, they wouldn't even bother improving the test scores of a developmentally-delayed or -impaired person. They'd just go ahead and execute him. (Before he was a War President, Dubya was an Execution Governor.)

RM

I believe this president could really help out the mentally challenged in America. After all, he's on their level!!

How is it critiques for my stories always end up becoming rants against George Bush?

Robert. . .

I'll just say that when it comes to politics you can make a much bigger impact in your own life when you focus on local venues more than the national/international.

And this story sprang from state inititives and policies not federal.


-- david j.

State initiatives, eh? Texas or Florida? ::)

But seriously -- anyone want to bet that Jeb will make a run for the White House? (He has to keep the Bush name in the forefront to pave the way for Jenna...)

RM

But digress is always greener on the other side of defence...

and digression is the better part of valor...