Strengthening Dialogue

[Lester Curtis]

How about a snippet from my novel-in-progress?

Comments welcome.

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The characters:

Leeta -- the story's main character

Haphayen -- Leeta's mate, who was killed a couple days before

Ketenn -- Leeta's mother

Petahkah -- Leeta's father

Mifil -- Haphyen's father

Kanti -- Mifil's mate

Koey & Sunet -- Leeta's younger brothers

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Mifil said, "Is good you finally get some sleep . . . last night was awful . . . "

Leeta nodded. There had been nightmares.

Ketenn said, "You're keeping the kits, then . . . ?"

"Yes." He nodded, looking at the table top. "I couldn't -- I didn't do that. I wanted to run. They did it . . . "

"You did it together, Leeta . . . you didn't run . . . "

His parents both got up and came over to hug him. Ketenn whispered, "We're very proud of you, son."

Petahkah added, "The whole world is proud of you. No one could have done more than you did."

Koey said, "You're somewhat of a hero, now . . . "

"What -- ?" Leeta was confused.

"Everybody's seen it . . . I guess no one told you . . . "

"Told me . . . what?"

"The whole thing was caught on video; almost all of it -- that camera crew that covered the hearing -- afterward, they decided to take some scenic video, and they went down to the river bank, where you were pulled out. They got almost all of it from there, and there was a citizen on the bridge with a personal video camera, and he got quite a lot of it from up there. Then, the Emergency Services flier caught some of the end . . . I don't guess you want to see it . . . "

A shake of the head. "No . . . no . . . " Leeta thought for a moment. "What happened to Gahn?"

Sunet said, "You knocked him unconscious, and he drowned . . . he tried to hit you -- he swung first. There's no dispute about it."

Kanti got a sour look on her face. "A grace he didn't deserve, if you ask me . . . son of a gut-worm should have been awake for his drowning . . . you had to stop him, though, and you did."

Leeta looked at his broken hand. "I killed him . . . "

"He'd have been put to death anyway. No dishonor on you, Leeta. Not a single peep. No one would dare."

Petahkah said, "That reminds me; Protective Services will want a statement from you, for the record . . . just a formality. They'll take it by phone, whenever you feel up to it."

Leeta sighed. "Maybe later . . . tomorrow, maybe . . . " He stared at the table top for a while, struggling with another question. "Would . . . would Hapahyen have made it?"

Mifil shook his head. "No. They scan her, after they find her body . . . her back was broken; they think from when Gahn hit her against railing. She couldn't swim . . . " His face got pinched. "So strange . . . I take her off boat, keep her on land, so she not drown, like my boys . . . now this . . . "

Kanti pulled him against her, and he wept quietly. "Your father's correct," she said, "You could never have gotten to her in time. You'd have died trying."

"I would have . . . they stopped me . . . "

"And you'd have left your kits with no parents at all. Be thankful, for their sakes, at least . . . "

He nodded. "I guess . . . "

"Leeta, you didn't fail her, you hear me? A damn lot of Eesah wouldn't have tried half as hard as you did. You're as clean as a snowflake, and you should hold your head up. She'd be proud, and you know that."

"Thanks . . . "

[Lester Curtis]

The soon to be bedded bond girl futilely resists the sauve secret British agent as she looks for reasons to walk away. "Oh, this is crazy! You're a double O, I can't do this! M warned me this might happen. You're double O seven! I can't give into your charms. You've had so many women - you pass them around like party favors. A double O..."

Bond covers her mouth and interrupts her as he undresses his next conquest with the other hand, "If I can get these unbelievably tight panties off, in a few minutes, you'll be a double oh!"

Mmm, seems a bit melodramatic on the girl's part -- and a bit too snarky on the part of JB. I've read Fleming's stories, but it's been too long ago for me to recall his style.

[Lester Curtis]

The soon to be bedded bond girl futilely resists the sauve secret British agent as she looks for reasons to walk away. "Oh, this is crazy! You're a double O, I can't do this! M warned me this might happen. You're double O seven! I can't give into your charms. You've had so many women - you pass them around like party favors. A double O..."

Bond covers her mouth and interrupts her as he undresses his next conquest with the other hand, "If I can get these unbelievably tight panties off, in a few minutes, you'll be a double oh!"

Mmm, seems a bit melodramatic on the girl's part -- and a bit too snarky on the part of JB. I've read Fleming's stories, but it's been too long ago for me to recall his style.

Oh it is! It was a parody. I wonder if I should have indicated that in a set up. I will next time. It is meant as a humorous heightened sense of reality.

Ah! As parody, it works great!

[Lester Curtis]

You have crafted names like the master J. R. R. Tolkien. Also, this has the easy to read style of the Doctor Dolittle Books, which I enjoyed so much growing up.

I like how all the characters are lovingly trying to help her bypass depression and wrongful guilt. It makes me wonder about the set up to this scene, how it all came about.

Good writing Lester!

Thank you very much. I've gone to a lot of effort with the names and words used in the alien language. I have only slight familiarity with Tolien's work, though, so I don't count him as an influence. And, I haven't read any of the Dr. Dolittle books.

As to the set-up, I'll PM you about it. I wouldn't mind posting it here; it's just a lot of work restoring the formatting that gets lost in transmission.