Aphelion

My votes are in.

Wow, a strong win to a newcomer! We haven't seen that happen in a while. Congrats, Joey, and welcome!

Here's how I saw 'em:

It All Never Really Ends Here…

1) Overall: 5
2) Characterization: 3
3) Plot: 3
4) Setting: 6
5) Dialog: 0
6) Challenge: 10

total 27

Comments
Fascinating premise, but the man is trapped in indecision and can't do anything, so there's no character arc. I think that with a different setup (plot), you could have forced this character to do something.
Sorry about the zero, but—no dialog to score.



The Community Project

1) Overall: 8
2) Characterization: 6
3) Plot: 7
4) Setting: 6
5) Dialog: 6
6) Challenge: 10

total 43

Comments:
Fun, but the plot was a little hard to keep track of.
I especially liked:
"Yuki mumbled a series of expletives as she strode down the street. Given her abilities, she mumbled a few in parallel as well."


Balance

1) Overall: 5
2) Characterization: 6
3) Plot: 6
4) Setting: 7
5) Dialog: 4
6) Challenge: 10

total 38

Comments:
Dialog seemed a little stiff. I didn't like the ending quote; it seems to imply that these sisters could just take turns killing off the locals one at a time until no one was left.


"Do you see what I see?"

1) Overall: 3
2) Characterization: 4
3) Plot: 1
4) Setting: 1
5) Dialog: 6
6) Challenge: 4

total 19

Comments:
I couldn't make sense of the plot at all. Looking up the mythology didn't really help, either. So, some people are in a meeting, they talk a little, one of them is an Egyptian deity, and nobody does anything.



Dating Star Storm

1) Overall: 6
2) Characterization: 2
3) Plot: 2
4) Setting: 5
5) Dialog: 7
6) Challenge: 10

total 32

Comments:
Star Storm's motivations and behavior seemed inconsistent and incomprehensible to me. A mating ritual? Well, maybe that explains why she's on Earth; her homeworld must be a wreck. I don't know how Mike survived with the wrong number of chromosomes, but since he's off in isolation, shouldn't he be getting it on with the super-lady instead of hanging out with Chuck? There were an awful lot of water references, but I don't know why.

Eddie, I've got a suggestion for the next contest. This won't be too hard to set up, since it's been done here before (just not recently). It's where you specify three objects and/or activities that have to be included in the story. Those are always fun.

TaoPhoenix wrote:
Hi Lester.

I have a few wry remarks for this entry of mine. I knew it would "bomb" in the scores, but it did "other things" for me.

- I used it heavily as an icebreaker to do *anything* than skipping yet another contest out of lethargic inertia (when my already slow writing pace doesn't do me in!) And as I mentioned briefly elsewhere, when I *do* get going, I get "2.36 stories" in my head, and yes, this was ".30 of a story". A long while back, people were remarking that the challenge-fun&games zone over here has a real "workshop" aspect to it. So to me, even though it would tank in a real vote, better to "get the fragment out of my head" than have it keep lurking and trying to insert itself into better efforts!

Well, when you explain it that way, it makes perfect sense ... I think. I would never have thought of entering a story fragment in a contest, but it isn't prohibited (and shouldn't be IMO). You at least get feedback here, which you may or may not if you posted it in the Workshop forum.

BTW, I fully identify with the slow writing pace problem.

Oh, and if you choose to allow it, this fragment still CAN insert itself into better efforts.

- "Oh look, I got a 6 in Dialog, which I never get!"
snip
My wry side makes me want to make my next story about mimes being the only possible ambassadors to a planet which never evolved language! (The 0.06 spinoff joke-idea, see above!)

I think the emphasis on dialog comes from the plain fact that communication is an essential aspect of social life for any species—sometimes even essential for survival. We big-brained sophonts have refined it, but communication goes on among birds, animals, insects, plants—maybe even archaea. It can be surprisingly complex, and some of them are skillful liars.

You should be encouraged with the score and use it to your advantage. If nothing else, it tells you that when you do use dialog, you at least don't suck at it.

That mime concept ... could be the ultimate irony, since your characters would be communicating, and the reader would be receiving this in the form of—words.