Aphelion

The intro worked, but could have been crafted better in order to really grab one’s attention.

The writing I thought very good, very descriptive, and very idyllic giving us a poignant portrait picture of Santorini. And the small restaurant, identified with icons of fish and meats on a wooden cart, also had a feeling of antiquity.

I like writing that touches every sense and bubbles up memories of Troy and Athens and Sparta when the setting is in the Mediterranean. Maybe it is just a personal quirk, but I’ve come to expect it from stories set in the Mediterranean now.

And the doorway to Atlantis? Nice! Very nice ending capping the emerging pattern of events leading towards the climax.

I liked the story as is, but do have some issues that don’t bother me----- but will others.

Way too much telling and not enough showing is evident in this story. Without the tacit technique of showing, the reader never gets into the story. He/she remains a bystander! And when sounds, and aromas and feelings of wind or the sun on your body is introduce strategically, then the story will surge upwards.

Character development worked for me, but some might like a better picture painted.

As I said before, I liked the story as is. And the trick to good story-telling is getting the reader into the story. This story came close to that ideal experience.

I hope my suggestions helped. But in all honesty I can’t see anything critically erroneous with the writing behind this story!


Good one!!!

bottomdweller wrote:First off: excellant research is evident. The frescos of the ancient world are almost touchable. The varience colors described is delightful. The word structure itself is a polite nod to Lovecraft perhaps. The way the story moves also reminds me of Lovecraft: A person in agony because of a memory; the innocence of the traveller; the tale itself; the final embrace of the inherent evil...

I'm not sure I understand what was evil about it... the place provided a doorway to a simpler (if more dangerous) time that the tourist couple found compelling in comparison to their staid and electron-saturated lives. If both couples had been compelled to return, one might speculate that the doorway to the past somehow fed on them, but they didn't even do a Richard Dreyfuss and sculpt models of the village (a CE3K reference for those who didn't see Spielberg's UFO epic).

I find it interesting that some readers loved the richness of the language and descriptions, while others describe it as overwritten... Trust me, compared to some of the Gothic-inspired pieces submitted to Aphelion, this one is quite mild.

RM