Game: Jokes

[Megawatts]

What do you call a gynecologist who sees prostitutes after work?

A workaholic.


That's a great one!! Love it!! Ding.Ding.Ding.

[Lester Curtis]

Whoa . . . Bill, I think you just won the contest . . .

[Megawatts]

Hey Bill!! That is a good one!!! Ding,Ding,Ding

[Megawatts]

Cheating on your wife:

Buying a hunting rife, then telling your wife you won it at work on a 50/50 ticket drawing!!!

[Lester Curtis]

Buying a hunting rife, then telling your wife you won it at work on a 50/50 ticket drawing could get you killed with it!!!

There -- fixed it for ya!

[Megawatts]

Two great-grandfathers were talking. One said, "I can still remember chasing young girls!"

The other one said, "I can still remember what we did when we caught them!"

[Megawatts]

I like it. A good one!!

[Lester Curtis]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's 

ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under

your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." 



 

[Lester Curtis]

Mother : 'What are you writing Ram?'

Ram : 'I'm writing a Letter to Baby Sham'

Mother : 'But you don't know to write!'

Ram : 'So What?, Anyway Sham don't know to read, That's why'.

Interesting . . . I don't know if this is a spammer who's avoiding being kicked by posting relevant material, or an honest newbie who just happens to have a commercial link for a sig-line . . . I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[Lester Curtis]

They're just dying to get in here, aren't they?

Yeah, but this one is so unusual -- actually being polite about it -- didn't shotgun the boards, posted relevant material (poor as it was) in its proper place . . . probably just hoping to stay below the radar long enough to score a few page-clicks. I know that's more work, and less chance of a payoff.

Almost makes me wonder if the Russkies have developed a prototype Turing device, and this is part of the test run.

Hmm . . . that could be the plot line for a story, I think . . .

[Lester Curtis]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Lester Curtis]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
       
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU NO LISTEN!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?  

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?  
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is kind of shape also!   

 
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

 
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking good English is apparently
what kills you.

[Lester Curtis]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

[Lester Curtis]

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.






Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.






And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Lester Curtis]

QUESTION: How does a Canadian spell 'Canada'?

ANSWER: C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

(and I heard this from a Canadian)

[Lester Curtis]

>
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> a Christmas gift...
>
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
>
> When she asked me why, I replied,
>
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
>
> 'No,' she answered.. I then said,
>
> 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
>
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
>
> "Yes", she sighed,
>
> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> hasn't been sober since."
>
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
>
> I said, "Dust."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary.
>
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
> about 3 seconds."
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started......
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> for Social Security.
>
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> verify my age.
>
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
>
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> to pay me a compliment.'
>
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
>
> And then the fight started........
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
>
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
>
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
>
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> That's how the fight started.

[Lester Curtis]

Looking forward to sharing these with my wife when she gets home.

Just be real careful about that, huh?

[Lester Curtis]

 



A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the neighbor dead on his porch.

[Lester Curtis]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said "Disneyland LEFT". 
They started crying and turned around and went home.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?' 
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
 
 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!'
 
 
There's this blonde out for a walk.  She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts,  'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
 
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 
 
 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.  The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' 
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
 
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
 
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

[Lester Curtis]

Okay, you've out done yourself again, Lester. Did you write these jokes?

I don't have to make 'em up -- I just repeat 'em!

[Lester Curtis]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the 
snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

[Megawatts]

A Blonde Joke:

The blonde girls children didn't say much on Christmas morning as they stepped down the stairs, slowly walked across the living room to the Christmas tree and picked up their Easter Baskets!

[Lester Curtis]

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" , said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." , replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[Lester Curtis]

A tough-looking group of bikers were riding

when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge,

so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. 

He wants to distract her, so he says the first thing that pops into his head.
 Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?
At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?"
She thinks for a moment and then she gives him a long, deep, lingering kiss. 

After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.  You could be famous. 
Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

[Lester Curtis]


Better not get caught speeding in Ohio ...
 
NEW Ohio Law : Beware! from the Cleveland Ohio Cabbie, 

The Ohio Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards and into the city of Cleveland .

For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets. 
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns .

Q. How do you keep a Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns
and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Browns and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
 
Q. What happens when your old lady wears a Browns Jersey to bed?
A. You ain't gonna score tonight!

[Megawatts]

An elderly lady climbed up to her attic with her cat following close behind.
She found an old mirror that she had forgotten about for many years.
Just joking around she said, “Oh, mirror, mirror... will you turn my cat into a handsome prince?

The mirror flashed for a moment then shot-out a beam of light that engulfed the cat.
The cat transformed into very handsome prince and stood before the lady with a smirk on his face.

The lady clasped her hands and said, “My prayers have been answered.”

The handsome prince looked at the lady for a moment then said, “Now, don’t you wish that you hadn’t had me neutered?’

[Lester Curtis]

Mark, thanks so much -- between these and the Witicisms, you've had me laughing fits today.

[Lester Curtis]


The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.

'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

'

Oh Bill you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 




'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.




 

[Lester Curtis]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.   Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.   When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:  
    'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

[Lester Curtis]

The Italian Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."