Game: Jokes

[Lester Curtis]

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. 

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank
you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice 
cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all!

Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard
a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today 
don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream!

Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I
do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,
and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman
approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I
happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never
asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul
sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of
the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did
something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and
placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,



"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!"

[Lester Curtis]

I didn't write it. It was forwarded to me from someone else.

Masterful set-up, though, and just when you think you're gonna have to reach for a hankie, BLAMMO!

[Lester Curtis]

This indeed is worrisome

Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Talked excessively without making sense.

4) Became overly emotional

5) Couldn't drive.

6) Failed to think rationally.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Lester Curtis]

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.  He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.  Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"  One little boy raised his hand, and the pastorsaid "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" 

[Lester Curtis]

Little Timmy's Christmas

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "Nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S. Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S. Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa

[Lester Curtis]

Welcome to the forum, Valerie!

That one was forwarded to me, so I have no idea who wrote it, but it is funny.

Feel free to contribute all you like here! I'm sure the others will be interested to find out what Mark's better half is like. Have a throw at the challenge!

[Lester Curtis]

. . . or is it PIE?

pie.jpg (13.11 KiB) Viewed 3902 times